When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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