i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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