i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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