Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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