I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
