"it" just moved
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
