I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just pee around me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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