It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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