i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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