Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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