Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
