filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
