the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
