By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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