Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Say something about gay babies.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
