I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
