Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
