seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
