I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
