Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
