You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
