I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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