I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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