The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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