happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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