First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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