We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
