so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
