how can u be prego again
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
