You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Life is so much better after having sex.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
