hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
