It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
