I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
