I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
