Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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