I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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