and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
