It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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