Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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