Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
