I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
