just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
