i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
