Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just cropdusted the office
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
