she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
