I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
