How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
