I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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