No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
