im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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